Pre-Christmas Ramblings

I've been rather shit at writing regularly but nothing interesting has happened to report and I've had no interesting thoughts spring into my head as all I can think about is 2:15pm next Tuesday when school is out for Christmas!!! Although I hate Christmas, I am looking forward to catching up on some sleep.

I've set aside tomorrow for Christmas shopping and am absolutely dreading it; pushing my way through all the crowds all for the sake of buying some cheap tat that I can give someone as a present. All I really want to do is sit in front of the fire, drink mulled wine and watch DVDs. I've also got the problem of not knowing what to buy for D. Do I buy him anything at all? I don't feel like I know him well enough to get him something really 'him' that he'll appreciate, nor do I have the inclination to pore aimlessly over all the Christmas tat. So should I get him something lame like aftershave?

The shortest day is next Friday. So after that I'm hoping my mood will lift, and that I can start looking forward to Spring, which admittedly is still a long way off...

I'm out to dinner tonight with D. I wonder how we'll get along. It's been fine but the lack of communication between one date to the next is really starting to get on my nerves. I know I can easily call him, but I kind of think he should be the one making the efftort to call at this early stage. I know as well that if I simply tell him to call me more and explain why, that he 'll do it. But even then if he does call, I'll know he's only doing it because I've told him to. I'm not sure how this is going to pan out. The older I get the more intolerant I am. Which is why I'll die alone.

Everyone is in a couple at the minute and writing my Christmas cards was very depressing: Clare and Al, Nathalie and Jim, Steph and Tom, Jemma and Scott, Emma and Dave...Maybe one Christmas I'll get to sign Cath and ???

Dream on

C x

In my head today

• Fuck me. Is it still Winter. I am so done with Winter. I'm so over it.
• I wonder how Antonella will get on on her first date in a year. She is seriously freaking out. I hope he's decent.
• Does D. think about me when I'm not there? Is he thinking about me now? Now? How about now?
• Will I be one of those gorgeously glamourous 40 year olds. Or will people look at me and think "she's let herself go", "the years haven't been kind".
• So we're getting a new teacher starting next September in languages. What will she be like? Will she be better than me? Will they sack me?
• Am I a good teacher? Sometimes I think I shouldn't be responsible for the development of young minds. Other times I think I'm good and that the kids are learning something worthwhile. The former always outweighs the latter.
• What the fuck am I going to teach my Year 9's for the next 5 lessons until we break up for Christmas
• Shit. Do I have to buy D. a christmas pressie?
• Just getting to the end of my big bag of Reese's peanut butter cups. Who's going to go to the States and buy me some more?
• Can't stop thinking/worrying about the assembly I have to do on Friday to all of year 7 plus form tutors on healthy eating. Nightmare.

C x

What a Fantastic Sunday

Sunday was great. It was one of the best Sundays I've had in ages. In fact if I had to describe my ideal Sunday, that would pretty much have been it.

I had been out the night before for a meal with some friends and had had a really nice time. And, because I had driven on that night out, when I awoke in my bed at 10:20am on Sunday morning I felt fabulous. Then a thought struck me! Oh god it was almost 10:30 and D would be arriving in about one hour. Crap. A quick text explaining my predicament bought me some time. Luckily he had also slept in.

So at about 12:30 a little rap on my door signaled the arrival of D. D is a guy I've been seeing- yes he's the chicken dance boy. I was, and probably still am, being very careful and not rushing into anything. So it was a very nice feeling when I opened the door and saw a gorgeous, tall, smiling man on my doorstep.

I never had the 'oh my god I want to shag you now' feeling with D., like I usually have with other guys I go out with. Yet there was/ is something about him that has made me want to continue to see him. We really do have lots to talk about, I enjoy his company and he is very sweet. I think these are all valid reasons to keep seeing someone, even if you don't feel the need to sleep with them after the first date. This is my new strategy, seeing if something will develop. Something that is actually meaningful. Something that goes a bit deeper than physical lust.

So he turns up. We are a bit awkward at first. You see, it is actually quite annoying that he doesn't call between dates, he just texts. I think I loose the connection and closeness that we build up if we dont talk for days.

We drink some tea then go out for a very long walk on a beautiful crisp winter day. Then we go to my local for food and lots of lovely red wine.

I bet you are starting to see why this day is just so perfect.

We talk and talk. We havent even kissed yet on this date. We are too busy talking. It's a constant stream of 'I so agree' , 'I know what you mean', and 'I think so too'

The kissing begins on the couch when we get back. It feels a bit weird. I have tried not to open myself up, to get too close to anyone after the last disaster when I had my heart broken in two and shredded up into a pulp. This closeness with another person is quite scary. I know I'm holding back. Can he sense it too?

I don't want to spoil it, but I'm so scared of getting hurt again that I can't imagine giving myself completely to anyone again. Of being in love again. Of opening myself up for more heartbreak. Afterall, I've been doing fine on my own.

But all the talk, the excitement, the cuddling on the couch do all add up to the best Sunday. So maybe I will give this a go. See what happens.

Wish me luck Cx